Boundaries Expert Says Adults Carry Childhood Inability to Set Boundaries into Adulthood
"Having boundaries requires emotional safety. Or at least physical safety. Yeah, so for kids who are not emotionally safe where they have a caregiver who understands, respects, listens, shows some level of concern, they can't have boundaries. There are some people who grow up in households where where, you know, parents might even say to them, 'You can't say that to me. You have to listen to me. You can't question this.'"
About this episode
Host Davina McCall interviews Dr. Nedra Glover Tauab, a licensed therapist and boundaries expert, on the Begin Again podcast for an in-depth conversation about relationships, childhood trauma, and healthy boundaries. Tauab, author of "Set Boundaries, Find Peace" and "The Balancing Act," reveals intimate details about growing up with alcoholic parents and how that shaped her therapeutic work helping adults reclaim boundary-setting abilities they were denied as children. The most striking disclosure involves Tauab's father using the silent treatment as an emotional control tactic, a pattern she identifies as a widespread manipulation technique in unhealthy relationships. The conversation explores the spectrum of dependency from codependency to counter-dependency, with Tauab warning that codependency becomes particularly damaging when it spans multiple life domains simultaneously—work, family, friendships, and romantic relationships—leaving a person with no space to receive support. McCall contributes her own revelation about projecting childhood trauma onto her eldest daughter until a psychologist helped her recognize the child had a completely different upbringing. Tauab emphasizes that emotional safety is a prerequisite for children developing boundaries, and authoritarian parenting that forbids questioning creates adults who struggle with assertiveness. The episode challenges cultural narratives around hyper-independence, which Tauab describes as an "awkward superpower" born from childhood neglect. Throughout, both women stress that change is possible at any age through practice, self-awareness, and willingness to show up differently in relationships, rejecting the notion that early attachment styles permanently determine adult outcomes.
Key takeaways
- Nedra Glover Tauab reveals her alcoholic father used silent treatment for a week if she tried to set boundaries, a manipulation tactic she now helps clients recognize and address
- Children cannot develop healthy boundaries without emotional safety from caregivers, and authoritarian parents who forbid questioning create adults who struggle with assertiveness throughout life
- Codependency becomes especially damaging when it spans work, family, friendships and romantic relationships simultaneously, leaving no space where a person receives support rather than provides it
- Davina McCall discloses she projected her traumatic childhood onto her daughter who resembled her until a psychologist helped her recognize the child's completely different stable upbringing
- Hyper-independence is an awkward superpower developed by children of addicts who had no trusted adults, creating adults who struggle to ask for help despite capability
- Parents commonly damage relationships with children by comparing them to their own childhood experiences using phrases like I wouldn't have done that at your age without recognizing different contexts
- Tauab emphasizes adults can reclaim boundary-setting abilities at any age through practice, rejecting the belief that early attachment styles permanently determine relationship patterns