Perceived Similarity Matters More Than Actual Compatibility in Relationship Success
"Perceived similarity is this general sense like, eh, we have a lot in common. There are a million things that we could talk about. We share the same values and attitudes and preferences about things in general. Because it's so free-floating, I, as the perceiver, get to attach it to whatever I want. And that affords people to have a certain amount of motivated reasoning so that when they like somebody a lot, they will find the similarities there."
About this episode
On this episode of the Huberman Lab Podcast, host Andrew Huberman sits down with Dr. Paul Eastwick, a professor of psychology at UC Davis whose research challenges foundational assumptions about attraction, dating, and relationships. Eastwick presents data that contradicts popular evolutionary psychology narratives, revealing that both men and women equally prefer younger partners when given actual choices on dates, not just men. His studies show financial status matters identically to both sexes when evaluating real people face-to-face, despite stated preferences suggesting otherwise. Using speed dating and matchmaking data from thousands of participants, Eastwick demonstrates that dating apps create one of the most unequal markets in the world, where the most attractive users monopolize attention, but real-world acquaintanceship shows far less dramatic inequality. Surprisingly, men are consistently more eager than women to commit at every relationship stage, from exclusivity to marriage to breaking up, because men derive most social support from romantic partners while women cultivate broader networks. The conversation explores why perceived similarity matters far more than actual compatibility, why initial attraction often starts middling rather than intense, and how sexual satisfaction ranks among the strongest predictors of relationship quality. Eastwick argues that spending time in small group activities creates far better conditions for lasting relationships than app-based approaches, and he warns that isolation and lack of male friendships pose serious risks to men's wellbeing and relationship success. Throughout the discussion, Eastwick emphasizes optimism, offering practical solutions for both single people seeking partners and couples wanting to strengthen existing relationships.
Key takeaways
- Both men and women prefer younger partners when dating in real life, contradicting the belief that only men seek younger mates, based on matchmaking data from 4,500 participants.
- Financial status and ambition matter equally to men and women when evaluating real partners face-to-face, though stated preferences and online behavior suggest otherwise.
- Men are consistently more eager than women to commit at every relationship stage because men derive most social support from romantic partners while women have broader networks.
- Dating apps create extreme inequality where a small percentage of users receive most attention, functioning as a kleptocracy for romantic opportunities.
- Perceived similarity between partners matters far more than actual measured compatibility, which predicts relationship success no better than a coin flip.
- Sexual satisfaction and rating one's partner as a good lover are among the strongest predictors of relationship quality and desire to continue the relationship.
- Spending time in small group activities and repeated social interactions creates far better conditions for lasting relationships than app-based dating or approaching strangers.