Psychology

Ramani Claims Forgiveness Is Not Always Healthy and Can Set Survivors Back

On Purpose with Jay Shetty · Dr. Ramani: If You're Thinking About Going No Contact With a Family Member - Listen to THIS (How to Know If It's Time To Walk Away) · June 15, 2026

On Purpose with Jay Shetty

Dr. Ramani: If You're Thinking About Going No Contact With a Family Member - Listen to THIS (How to Know If It's Time To Walk Away)

"Is forgiveness always healthy? No. Hell no. I have seen people heal brilliantly without forgiving. When forgiveness is repeatedly offered in situations where the harmful behavior is ongoing, the forgiver actually experiences negative psychological consequences. If anything, they'd feel like forgiving this person feels like one more form of self-abandonment."

Dr. Ramani challenged the widespread cultural and spiritual emphasis on forgiveness, stating that she has seen countless survivors heal without forgiving their abusers. She argued that when forgiveness is done performatively or from a place of shame or self-abandonment, it can actually set healing back. She cited psychological literature showing negative consequences when forgiveness is repeatedly offered amid ongoing harm, contradicting mainstream therapeutic and spiritual narratives.

About this episode

On this episode of On Purpose, host Jay Shetty sits down with clinical psychologist Dr. Ramani Durvasula for an in-depth exploration of family estrangement and no-contact decisions. The conversation centers on a cultural shift: nearly 27% of US adults report being estranged from one or more family members, according to Cornell University research, yet those who go no contact face intense societal shame and pressure. Dr. Ramani draws crucial distinctions between protective no-contact (after repeated harm and failed repair attempts), punitive no-contact (used as manipulation), and avoidant no-contact, emphasizing that most people make this decision only after years of anguish, not capriciously. She reveals she is currently navigating a no-contact situation herself after a 40-year evolution of recognizing harm in a family relationship. The episode tackles the most difficult questions: when is it time to cut off a toxic family member, how to handle family backlash, whether to break no contact when a parent is dying, and how to know if someone can truly change. Dr. Ramani challenges mainstream narratives around forgiveness, arguing that survivors can heal brilliantly without forgiving and that performative forgiveness can actually set healing back. She introduces the concept of 'soul distancing' for those who cannot physically go no contact but need to protect their authentic selves, and warns against announcing no-contact decisions. The conversation also covers extreme cases from her practice, including parents who sent itemized legal bills to adult children who distanced themselves. Throughout, both Shetty and Dr. Ramani emphasize that there is no pain-free path—staying connected to harmful family means ongoing psychological damage, while going no contact means grief, guilt, and social judgment, but ultimately offers the possibility of living authentically and safely.

Key takeaways

Dr. Ramani revealed she is currently going through a no-contact decision with a family member after a 40-year evolution of recognizing harm and self-abandonment.
27% of US adults are estranged from family members according to Cornell research, but protective no-contact decisions are made after years of anguish, not impulsively.
Dr. Ramani challenged forgiveness as always healthy, stating survivors can heal without forgiving and that performative forgiveness can set healing back.
She disclosed a case where parents sent their adult child an itemized legal bill through attorneys after the child distanced themselves, including tuition and health insurance costs.
The concept of 'soul distancing' was introduced for those who cannot physically go no contact but can protect their authentic selves by limiting emotional vulnerability.
Ramani emphasized never announcing no-contact decisions, as it becomes manipulative theater rather than genuine self-protection through gradual withdrawal.
Both speakers stressed there is no pain-free path: staying connected means ongoing harm, while no contact means grief and judgment, but enables authentic living.