Relationships & Family

All Parents Traumatize Their Children Because Perfect Parenting Is Impossible

Name: All Parents Traumatize Their Children Because Perfect Parenting Is Impossible
Uploaded: 2026-06-09T23:20:00+00:00
Description: LePera argued all children experience developmental wounds because no parent can be perfectly attuned at all times, reframing the goal from avoiding all harm to modeling repair after rupture. She emphasized that interpersonal research shows conflict is normal and that the capacity to acknowledge, apologize, and reconnect determines relationship security, not the absence of mistakes.

Feel Better, Live More with Dr Rangan Chatterjee · The Hidden Reason You Can't Stop Overthinking, People-Pleasing And Overworking with Dr Nicole LePera #664 · June 9, 2026

Feel Better, Live More with Dr Rangan Chatterjee

The Hidden Reason You Can't Stop Overthinking, People-Pleasing And Overworking with Dr Nicole LePera #664

"It is unrealistic to imagine that moments of disconnection, not meeting an expectation, not meeting a child's need or a partner's need is part of the human experience. Conflict, disagreement, disconnection, unmet needs are a natural part of a relational experience. What is an indicator of the health of a relationship is the ability to have a different awareness, make space for a different perspective, take accountability, and repair on the other side of it."

LePera argued all children experience developmental wounds because no parent can be perfectly attuned at all times, reframing the goal from avoiding all harm to modeling repair after rupture. She emphasized that interpersonal research shows conflict is normal and that the capacity to acknowledge, apologize, and reconnect determines relationship security, not the absence of mistakes.

About this episode

On this episode of Feel Better Live More, host Dr. Rangan Chatterjee was joined by clinical psychologist Dr. Nicole LePera, known online as The Holistic Psychologist, to discuss her new book Reparenting the Inner Child: The New Science of Our Oldest Wounds and How to Heal Them. LePera presented a nervous-system-centered framework for understanding how childhood adaptations—formed in response to emotionally immature, critical, or status-oriented parents—continue to drive adult behaviors like people-pleasing, overwork, hypersensitivity to criticism, and chronic busyness. She revealed that trauma is transmitted epigenetically across generations, citing research showing children inherit metabolic and stress responses from ancestors, and disclosed that development begins in utero with eggs created while mothers were still in their grandmothers' wombs. LePera argued that awareness alone is insufficient for healing; individuals must reconnect with their bodies through practices like conscious check-ins, bilateral stimulation, walking in nature, and presence during daily activities. She challenged popular protocols like cold plunges, warning they can harm people with dysregulated nervous systems, and reframed constant busyness as a survival strategy to avoid overwhelming internal sensations. The conversation emphasized that all parents inevitably cause some developmental wounds, but healing is possible at any age through the two-step process of becoming aware and making different choices. LePera stressed that healing is non-linear, that conflict in relationships is normal and necessary for growth, and that the moment insight is gained is the moment change has already begun. She closed by offering hope that individual healing creates safety in communities and changes the world one nervous system at a time.

Key takeaways

LePera argued that trauma is transmitted epigenetically across generations, with eggs created in grandmothers' wombs carrying ancestral stress patterns into descendants.
Constant busyness is a survival strategy developed in childhood to avoid overwhelming internal sensations from dysregulated nervous systems.
All parents inevitably traumatize their children because perfect attunement is impossible; relationship health depends on repair after rupture, not absence of conflict.
Healing requires two steps: becoming aware of patterns and making different embodied choices, not just intellectual insight from therapy or podcasts.
Cold plunges can harm people with already dysregulated nervous systems and should be approached cautiously, starting with cool rather than cold exposure.
LePera cited the Dutch Hunger Study showing children inherit parents' starvation metabolic responses but can reverse them through lifestyle changes within one generation.
Practices like conscious body check-ins, bilateral stimulation through walking or eye movement, and presence during daily activities rebuild nervous system regulation and allow new behavioral choices.