Psychologist Reveals Constant Busyness Is Survival Strategy to Avoid Childhood Pain
"Keeping ourselves busy keeps our attention outward, not inward on us. For a lot of us who never had safety and security, the ability to just be in childhood, rest, feel at ease—stillness, solitude—there was a time where I lived in New York City and had to have a television on at night because the sound of solitude, of silence, of not having all of my days planned, the minute my body had the opportunity to stop, what was I met with? The agitation, the overwhelming sensations that busyness was protecting me from."
About this episode
On this episode of Feel Better Live More, host Dr. Rangan Chatterjee was joined by clinical psychologist Dr. Nicole LePera, known online as The Holistic Psychologist, to discuss her new book Reparenting the Inner Child: The New Science of Our Oldest Wounds and How to Heal Them. LePera presented a nervous-system-centered framework for understanding how childhood adaptations—formed in response to emotionally immature, critical, or status-oriented parents—continue to drive adult behaviors like people-pleasing, overwork, hypersensitivity to criticism, and chronic busyness. She revealed that trauma is transmitted epigenetically across generations, citing research showing children inherit metabolic and stress responses from ancestors, and disclosed that development begins in utero with eggs created while mothers were still in their grandmothers' wombs. LePera argued that awareness alone is insufficient for healing; individuals must reconnect with their bodies through practices like conscious check-ins, bilateral stimulation, walking in nature, and presence during daily activities. She challenged popular protocols like cold plunges, warning they can harm people with dysregulated nervous systems, and reframed constant busyness as a survival strategy to avoid overwhelming internal sensations. The conversation emphasized that all parents inevitably cause some developmental wounds, but healing is possible at any age through the two-step process of becoming aware and making different choices. LePera stressed that healing is non-linear, that conflict in relationships is normal and necessary for growth, and that the moment insight is gained is the moment change has already begun. She closed by offering hope that individual healing creates safety in communities and changes the world one nervous system at a time.
Key takeaways
- LePera argued that trauma is transmitted epigenetically across generations, with eggs created in grandmothers' wombs carrying ancestral stress patterns into descendants.
- Constant busyness is a survival strategy developed in childhood to avoid overwhelming internal sensations from dysregulated nervous systems.
- All parents inevitably traumatize their children because perfect attunement is impossible; relationship health depends on repair after rupture, not absence of conflict.
- Healing requires two steps: becoming aware of patterns and making different embodied choices, not just intellectual insight from therapy or podcasts.
- Cold plunges can harm people with already dysregulated nervous systems and should be approached cautiously, starting with cool rather than cold exposure.
- LePera cited the Dutch Hunger Study showing children inherit parents' starvation metabolic responses but can reverse them through lifestyle changes within one generation.
- Practices like conscious body check-ins, bilateral stimulation through walking or eye movement, and presence during daily activities rebuild nervous system regulation and allow new behavioral choices.