Psychology

Actor Threw Up Before Every Theater Performance for Four Years

Lewis Howes School of Greatness · Fear, Shame, and the Fight to Get Out of Your Own Way | Joel Kinnaman · May 27, 2026

Lewis Howes School of Greatness

Fear, Shame, and the Fight to Get Out of Your Own Way | Joel Kinnaman

"Every time I went on stage, every time before. As soon as I heard the audience chatter, like the audience murmur, my mouth would fill with water. And I was like, okay, here we go. And I would actually— I would have a bucket prepared and I would like— come on, buddy. Before— well, this is stage theater, huh? This is like on-stage theater. Yeah, but it could even be like, you know, just a, you know, 10 people in the audience, you know. Really? You throw up almost every time? Every time."

Joel Kinnaman revealed he suffered from severe stage fright that caused him to vomit before every live theater performance for the first three to four years of his acting career. He kept a bucket prepared backstage and would throw up regardless of audience size, even with just 10 people present. The debilitating condition stemmed from negative inner voices and feelings of unworthiness that plagued him during his early years at Sweden's National Theater School.

About this episode

In this episode of The School of Greatness, host Lewis Howes sits down with actor Joel Kinnaman for an unusually candid conversation about the psychological battles behind his Hollywood success. Kinnaman, known for roles in The Killing, Suicide Squad, Altered Carbon, and For All Mankind, reveals the debilitating stage fright, eating disorder, and panic attacks that plagued his early career in Sweden's National Theater School. The actor describes a pivotal breakdown during a storytelling exercise where he blacked out on stage in front of the entire school, frozen for three minutes before walking off. Rather than quitting, Kinnaman used the humiliation as fuel, creating a solo performance with 16 distinct characters that he credits as the foundation of his career. The conversation shifts to Kinnaman's Hollywood journey, including his admission of heavy cocaine use—up to four times weekly—during a career downturn after RoboCop underperformed. He describes rebuilding his momentum by over-preparing for auditions with a chip on his shoulder, eventually landing Suicide Squad. Most strikingly, Kinnaman acknowledges his inability to bring the same reliability and consistency to personal relationships that he maintains professionally, calling himself a disaster in that arena. He discusses the tension between preserving his childlike creative spirit and stepping into leadership and commitment in his marriage, revealing he wants to create a family but has struggled with dependability. The episode closes with Kinnaman's three truths: face your fears head on, we are love, and live in generosity.

Key takeaways

Kinnaman admitted using cocaine two to four times weekly during a Hollywood career downturn after RoboCop underperformed at the box office.
He suffered a three-minute panic attack onstage at theater school that he credits as the seminal moment shaping his approach to fear and preparation.
The actor vomited before every theater performance for four years due to severe stage fright and negative inner voices telling him he was unworthy.
Kinnaman acknowledged being unreliable and inconsistent in personal relationships despite maintaining rigorous professional discipline, calling himself a disaster in that arena.
He described using actual drugs when playing characters who used substances as part of a destructive early method acting approach driven by insecurity.
Kinnaman created a solo theater performance with 16 distinct characters after his panic attack breakdown, which became his breakthrough moment of confidence.
He currently has three shows airing simultaneously and endures five-hour makeup sessions starting at 1 a.m. for his role as an 80-year-old in For All Mankind.