What happened in this episode?
Dr Rangan Chatterjee speaks with psychotherapist Esther Perel about why long-term relationships can feel harder to sustain amid modern technology, changing cultural expectations and shifting ideas of intimacy. Perel argues that “presence” is increasingly scarce as phones and screens fragment attention, and she links this to loneliness that can exist even when people are surrounded by others. She describes ambiguous loss—being physically together while emotionally absent—as a contemporary relationship stressor.
Perel discusses “erotic intelligence”, distinguishing sex as biology from eroticism as imagination, curiosity and aliveness. She says desire is shaped by culture and can conflict with love, and she challenges assumptions around libido mismatch, including gendered biases in how desire is researched and interpreted. Perel also contrasts relationship models emphasising autonomy and authenticity with those grounded in loyalty and interdependence, arguing that modern Western culture often centres the “me” over the “we”.
On expectations, she says modern partners can be asked to provide what a “village” once did—companionship, status, friendship, sex, support and meaning—putting committed relationships under strain. Looking ahead, Perel warns against replacing embodied rituals with virtual connection, particularly for children, and argues that some distress attributed to individual mental health may stem from broader societal conditions. Chatterjee briefly includes an advertisement segment for a glucose-monitoring product before returning to the discussion.
